Utards Can’t Drive

Well, it’s General Conference time in Salt Lake City again. That means the city is filled with more Mormon drivers as can be found any other time. Some are from out of state, certainly, but considering what I’ve seen in Salt Lake when General Conference is not in session, I mostly blame the Utards.

I’ve traveled all over this country and I can’t think of a single place I’ve been with less talented drivers. The first week I was here, one of these road weaving geniuses decided to make a U-turn without the slightest notice, right in front of me. Sounds tame, actually, until you take into account that I was in the left lane and he was in the right lane of two heading east. Running a red light, mind you. At least he had the wrong turn signal on.

Back to General Conference. If you’re an outsider to Utah, this can best be described as lemmings running to the cliff edge. It should be called General Stampede. I have the unfortunate luck that my wife currently works downtown, so I must cross this no-sane-man’s land daily in our commute. You’ve heard the expression, “If you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk!” Here it’s, “If you don’t like my driving, get out of the bathroom!”

Further, the stampede is for a general gang-wanking over the LDS Profit, G. B. Hinckley. Apparently, like the Catholic Pope, he has some special mental phone line to God, that only followers of the religion can make sense of, or believe. General Stampede is the time the Profit is the answering machine, playing back the messages to the masses.

Now before you accuse me of poor spelling, I should relate here that I see nothing prophetic in Hinckley’s veiled sexism and general vagueness. Pro-family, God is love, blah, blah, blah… For a prophet, he doesn’t seem to have a clear phone line.

Back in 2004 he had a interview with Larry King:

KING: What happens when you die?
HINCKLEY: When you die? Well, I’m not fully conversant with that. I haven’t passed through that yet.

Well, shit! That’s damned insightful, eh?

Ah, but there is money to be made. No doubt about that. Like the Catholic Church, the LDS Church sees a lot of currency in the collection plates.

Hence, the Profit Hinckley.