Courting Misery
I’m currently appearing as a witness for the defense in a case here in Utah, which for obvious reasons I won’t go into any detail about, until it’s all over and the hearings, trial and verdict have passed.
As this is my first time acting in such a capacity in a court of law, I honestly felt that I was in a completely alien environment. I don’t know all the rules, having to observe or ask. For example, I had no idea what the wording was for the oath when sworn in and had to ask, being reassured by fortune of being one of the last on the stand in the hearing procedure, that there was no oath to what I view as a fictional deity. Surprisingly to me, there was no wording involving supernatural entities at all, which I would assume to be in place in a state like Utah.
It was interesting to see the two legal teams present their cases. Both were struggling to understand the computer technology involved in the case, concerning Email and how it works (I can say this much, as it’s been covered in the local papers already) and watching them attempt to grasp the information “on the fly” as it were and make a logical argument from it was quiet fascinating to witness. (Sorry, I won’t hand out grades yet.) It was like watching a chess game in process, each trying to react to the other’s questioning of witnesses on the stand. It wasn’t a pretty chess game, with strict rules of movement in place, but it was certainly an exercise in adaptive strategy. At one point during the cross examination of me, the prosecution stopped questioning technical aspects and instead went to attempted character assassination. One can’t get angry with the lawyer for doing so, it’s their job, but it reminded me of how much of this grand drama relies on swaying opinions of people emotionally, rather than following logical process alone. I don’t fall for such ploys and I think that those like myself, who value logic over emotion in decision making, might be the lawyer’s worst nightmare if our kind were to end up on a jury.
The little fits that erupted during breaks were even more interesting to see. A couple of supposed victims in this case refused to shake the hand of the defense attorney during introductions before the hearing started, as if doing so they would be touching evil itself. At one point during the break just after I had testified, one of the prosecution’s team made a disparaging comment over the quality of the witnesses the defense was calling. Since I was the only witness specifically for the defense, it didn’t take any guesswork to figure out who she was talking about, in a loud enough voice to ensure I heard It from across the room. I just smiled at her. Sorry girl, but you’re going to have to try a lot harder than that. I worked for years in telephone technical support. I’d suggest hanging around street gangs and drunkard perverts to get a good grasp of ugly language, couple that with intense study of Dennis Miller’s barbing wit, and aim the vicious diatribe at my wife - then you might get a dirty look from me.
I was shocked during the whole process on just how exacting and attentive the judge involved was. To say that I was impressed would be an understatement. While others in the court were trying hard not to fall asleep, she was on top of every point with utmost tenacity. I don’t know if this is normal among judges, having seen few of them in action, but she seemed much more attuned than the few other judges I’ve witnessed.
I also came to have a greater respect for the poor bailiff. I say “poor” here not to disparage him, but in light of what that man (in this case) has to endure. With very little to do during the course of the proceedings, he had to somehow keep his sanity and attention on the court during over 8 hours of this dry and grueling process. I don’t know how these people do it. I think I’d loose my mind about day three.
Overall, I find the legal process to be one of long, extracted misery. It is vitally important to the structure of our government and society, but I can’t claim to enjoy any of it in action. Much like the old saying that those who enjoy politics and sausage should not watch either being made, I wouldn’t recommend viewing the court process if you are currently enamored with it. It’s not pretty, elegant or concise. It’s unattractive, slow and dreadfully boring. If you have romantic notions of the courts, I’d suggest sticking with nighttime court drama television.
