Satan’s Garden

I’ve come to the conclusion that following the Mormon faith makes you into an idiot, even if you didn’t start out that way.

Case in point, the drivers in the state of Utah. This morning, while motorcycling to work, I once again nearly died due to the amazing ignorance of the typical Utah driver. I call them Utards, for short. It started off typically enough, with two cars on the south bound two lanes of a divided highway, driving side by side. Neither would speed up or slow down. They were a moving wall. Eventually the one to the left decided that he wanted to merge to the right and signaled (a rarity) but when he tried to speed up to make some space, the car on the right sped up as well, to keep in parallel with the other.

This stalemate lasted for about twenty or thirty seconds, until the driver wanting to merge finally decided that he needed to speed up more than he had been and finally got ahead and merged to the right, in front of his previous dancing partner. They remained in this position for several seconds, with no sign of change, so since we were still about ten miles per hour under the limit and the car which had been on my left had fallen well behind, I decided to change left and pass them.

About the time I was half way past the rear car, with a conveniently placed metal guard to my left, he decides to merge into me without signaling his intention, or obviously checking his blind spot. He didn’t even check his mirror, to be honest. I clamped down hot on the brakes and for once managed to hit the horn at the same time (often I don’t have time to do this.) He suddenly spots me, over-compensates and nearly goes off the other side of the road into the ditch.

With my heart in my throat, I make my way past both of these dimwits and take a left turn off onto a freeway entrance ramp. This ramp leads up to it’s own lane on the freeway, which ends after about a quarter mile - to allow for smooth merging during rush hour. As I’m approaching the last eighth of a mile of this lane, moving faster than the freeway traffic to my left, another moron decides to merge to the right - right into me. No checking of the blind spot. No checking of his mirrors. He just cheerfully starts to merge into me, as I’m moving past. A quick downshift and twist of the throttle and I’m barely out of harms way again, with the driver merging in behind me, suddenly braking hard as he spots me.

First off, why the hell was he merging into a lane that was going to end in less than an eighth of a mile? There was clear visibility on a straight, flat shot of road - with at least one sign indicating that the lane was going to end. Secondly, why would either of these idiots merge without even the slightest check of clearance? Thirdly, why do they react with absolute shock that a vehicle is suddenly in the position they never checked? It’s like the time I was rear ended in my truck and the driver of the car behind me claimed to the police officer that I was in his “blind spot”.

From conversations I’ve had with various Mormons in the state of Utah, I’ve come to understand that they are completely, utterly ignorant of anything outside of their religious teachings. A great example was a conversation with a supposedly “open minded” Mormon, who’s first question asked of me was “what religion I was”, as if everyone needs a religion to exist. When I told him that I was atheist, he clearly couldn’t understand the concept that I don’t worship anything and when I stated that I saw at least some reasonable ideas in Buddhist concepts, his reply was, “So you worship Buddha, then?” Silly me, here I assumed even Buddhists don’t worship Buddha. Buddhists don’t worship anything. Never would I have guessed that finding reasonableness in some religious tenant is a declaration of worship of the religion’s namesake.

It wasn’t until I had a conversation with another Mormon acquaintance that I found the answer to the driving dangers and other stances of ignorance in Utah. He is a lapsed Mormon, much to the ire of his family, and he plainly stated that most in the church have a deeply entrenched belief that God is protecting them from all harm. They believe that a mystical, magical figure is guiding their hand in every action and keeping them safe - no matter what.

So, there you have it. They merge without even looking in their mirrors, they turn and change lanes without signaling, they make U-turns through red lights at intersections, they check their makeup in the mirror while rolling backwards down a mountainside - because they believe that God is guiding them and keeping them safe. Like religious ostriches, with their heads planted firmly up God’s ass, they remain blissfully unaware of their surroundings, with the unwavering belief that their mystical maker is going to co-pilot every aspect of their life for them - allowing them to absolve themselves of any personal responsibility and any action of caution that others outside of this delusion would take for granted as required.

Perhaps I should just be thankful that they’re blissfully ignorant. If they knew what was going on around them, I’m sure the reaction of shock would be more than those outside of the Mormon church would want to deal with.

As a motorcyclist, I enjoy the sights, sounds and smells of a trip to levels that simply are not possible when stuck in a cage, er…car. The experience is beyond compare, even to bicycling, as at least for me, I’m too engrossed in the workout to really enjoy my surroundings when I’m peddling.

There is one sound I don’t like to hear on a motorcycle, however, that’s the sound of screeching tires behind me. In this case, I had already spotted the moron and had taken steps to dash to the side of the car in front of me, but the sound is not any less disconcerting. I’m not exactly sure what shit for brains was doing aside from driving, but it must have taken all of his attention. He had, at the very least, a mile long straight shot of nothing between his approach and the light I was stopped at. Assuming he couldn’t see the arc lamp like, bright taillights on my GoldWing, or the lights of the vehicle in front of me, or the lights of the vehicles in the other two lanes next to us; you would have hoped that he would see the traffic semaphore.

Such seemed to be par for the course for the commute this morning. I counted eight lane changes without signaling, five of which without looking - even in the rear view mirrors - to see if it was clear for the maneuver, three of them attempting to merge into me. One U-Turn through a red light (what the hell is it with this retarded stunt in Utah?) and five turnouts from side roads and parking lots without checking for oncoming traffic. Mix in four left hand turns through a red light, at least a half dozen running of a red light and two vehicles driving down the center line between lanes for no less than a full block (no, I am not joking!) - and you get one hell of a tally for a morning drive. All of this, was during a ten mile commute.

It is seriously a wonder that road fatalities in Utah are not higher.

To be honest, however, the lead Utah had in bad driving habits is quickly being closed in by other states. It seems as if the quality of drivers is declining in general and I have to ask why. What has changed? Is it something in the water?

Certainly there have always been those who would perform retarded stunts and general mayhem when behind the wheel, but they used to be the exception to the rule. It seems like they’re becoming the norm. I am well aware that public education is declining in near free fall, but I guess I made the mistake of assuming that driver education wouldn’t necessarily fall with it - as the government has a vested interest in keep the roads safe.

In any case, I’ll continue to ride with the attitude that everyone else on the road has been hired to kill me, and hopefully I’ll make it through my autumn days intact.

Daniel Meyer has a style of writing that’s easy to get into. His ramblings are more than just entertaining, they’re down right philosophical. Of course, since most of his work is devoted to motorcycling, I’m biased in his favor.

You can catch his online work here.