Posts Tagged ‘utah’

Maybe it’s the water?

Tuesday, May 1st, 2007

As a motorcyclist, I enjoy the sights, sounds and smells of a trip to levels that simply are not possible when stuck in a cage, er…car. The experience is beyond compare, even to bicycling, as at least for me, I’m too engrossed in the workout to really enjoy my surroundings when I’m peddling.

There is one sound I don’t like to hear on a motorcycle, however, that’s the sound of screeching tires behind me. In this case, I had already spotted the moron and had taken steps to dash to the side of the car in front of me, but the sound is not any less disconcerting. I’m not exactly sure what shit for brains was doing aside from driving, but it must have taken all of his attention. He had, at the very least, a mile long straight shot of nothing between his approach and the light I was stopped at. Assuming he couldn’t see the arc lamp like, bright taillights on my GoldWing, or the lights of the vehicle in front of me, or the lights of the vehicles in the other two lanes next to us; you would have hoped that he would see the traffic semaphore.

Such seemed to be par for the course for the commute this morning. I counted eight lane changes without signaling, five of which without looking – even in the rear view mirrors – to see if it was clear for the maneuver, three of them attempting to merge into me. One U-Turn through a red light (what the hell is it with this retarded stunt in Utah?) and five turnouts from side roads and parking lots without checking for oncoming traffic. Mix in four left hand turns through a red light, at least a half dozen running of a red light and two vehicles driving down the center line between lanes for no less than a full block (no, I am not joking!) – and you get one hell of a tally for a morning drive. All of this, was during a ten mile commute.

It is seriously a wonder that road fatalities in Utah are not higher.

To be honest, however, the lead Utah had in bad driving habits is quickly being closed in by other states. It seems as if the quality of drivers is declining in general and I have to ask why. What has changed? Is it something in the water?

Certainly there have always been those who would perform retarded stunts and general mayhem when behind the wheel, but they used to be the exception to the rule. It seems like they’re becoming the norm. I am well aware that public education is declining in near free fall, but I guess I made the mistake of assuming that driver education wouldn’t necessarily fall with it – as the government has a vested interest in keep the roads safe.

In any case, I’ll continue to ride with the attitude that everyone else on the road has been hired to kill me, and hopefully I’ll make it through my autumn days intact.

Utards Can’t Drive

Friday, March 30th, 2007

Well, it’s General Conference time in Salt Lake City again. That means the city is filled with more Mormon drivers as can be found any other time. Some are from out of state, certainly, but considering what I’ve seen in Salt Lake when General Conference is not in session, I mostly blame the Utards.

I’ve traveled all over this country and I can’t think of a single place I’ve been with less talented drivers. The first week I was here, one of these road weaving geniuses decided to make a U-turn without the slightest notice, right in front of me. Sounds tame, actually, until you take into account that I was in the left lane and he was in the right lane of two heading east. Running a red light, mind you. At least he had the wrong turn signal on.

Back to General Conference. If you’re an outsider to Utah, this can best be described as lemmings running to the cliff edge. It should be called General Stampede. I have the unfortunate luck that my wife currently works downtown, so I must cross this no-sane-man’s land daily in our commute. You’ve heard the expression, “If you don’t like my driving, get off the sidewalk!” Here it’s, “If you don’t like my driving, get out of the bathroom!”

Further, the stampede is for a general gang-wanking over the LDS Profit, G. B. Hinckley. Apparently, like the Catholic Pope, he has some special mental phone line to God, that only followers of the religion can make sense of, or believe. General Stampede is the time the Profit is the answering machine, playing back the messages to the masses.

Now before you accuse me of poor spelling, I should relate here that I see nothing prophetic in Hinckley’s veiled sexism and general vagueness. Pro-family, God is love, blah, blah, blah… For a prophet, he doesn’t seem to have a clear phone line.

Back in 2004 he had a interview with Larry King:

KING: What happens when you die?
HINCKLEY: When you die? Well, I’m not fully conversant with that. I haven’t passed through that yet.

Well, shit! That’s damned insightful, eh?

Ah, but there is money to be made. No doubt about that. Like the Catholic Church, the LDS Church sees a lot of currency in the collection plates.

Hence, the Profit Hinckley.